Clarity.

So disregard all that nonsense in the previous post about being a good judge of character.

I keep getting all these conflicting messages in my life telling me how to manage my personal relationships and my social life, and it's driving me crazy.

On the one hand, I am intensely instinctual, both in my thoughts and actions. When something doesn't feel right, it REALLY doesn't feel right, and I act accordingly. Conversely, when something feelings right, it's RIGHT, and I can never truly understand why. Some of the time, these feelings betray me, and then I'm back at square one, not only dissatisfied with the situation, but newly unable to trust in myself.

Then I think about the Buddhist Psychology (of the Lojong teachings) class that I took in Thailand, and how much it helped me to be happier with my life. Essentially it is a philosophy that is completely opposite of anything I've ever subscribed to. I have to stop making these snap judgments, or it's going to destroy my relationships, and ultimately, me. I have to continue to rely on my instincts for a lot of other things, because it's mostly accurate for me, but I need to start looking at whole individuals, rather than just their behaviors.

I always feel it's unfair when someone dislikes me because they met me when I was having a bad day, so how can I continue to perpetuate those same unfair assumptions about others?

I need to start meditating and chanting and doing yoga again. Maybe that will help me relax...and gain some clarity.

ramblings

I don't know what to do with myself these days. Just when I think I have everything figured out, just when I think I might have plans, things go completely haywire.

I get feelings about people and situations. I know almost instantly if I'm going to get along with someone or if I'm going to avoid them at all costs. Occasionally I'll change my original impression, but most of the time I a fairly good judge of character.

Which is why it's so frustrating when other people tend to disagree with me.

Maybe I should work on being more available and less neurotic. I'm sure it would help. In all areas of my life. But I suppose in the end, I know I'm a worthwhile human being. Whether someone is willing to stick around and find that out is up to them. Maybe I shouldn't make it so difficult to find that person in me. The one worth knowing.

Das ist Leben, oder...?

Hopefully I'll be home by May 8th. I've decided not to stay for graduation. I'm just too overwhelmed right now, I NEED to be home. Soon. So, I'm going to try to leave by a week from Thursday. Yeah. Pack this weekend, finish my last final on Wednesday night, and then get up and drive on Thursday.

I'm excited!

Pablo Neruda

Here are some of my favorite Pablo Neruda poems (from the collection, "Cien Sonetos de Amor" - 100 Love Sonnets).

Sonnet LXXVIII (English translation):

I have no never-again, I have no always. In the sand
victory abandoned its footprints.
I am a poor man willing to love his fellow men.
I don't know who you are. I love you. I don't give away thorns,
and I don't sell them.

Maybe someone will know that I didn't weave crowns
to draw blood; that I fought against mockery;
that I did fill the high tide of my soul with the truth.
I repaid vileness with doves.

I have no never, because I was different -
was, am, will be. And in the name
of my ever-changing love I proclaim a purity.

Death is only the stone of oblivion.
I love you, on your lips I kiss happiness itself.
Let's gather firewood. We'll light a fire on the mountain.

Sonnet XLVI (English translation):

Of all the stars I admired, drenched
in various rivers and mists,
I chose only the one I love.
Since then I sleep with the night.

Of all the waves, one wave and another wave,
green sea, green chill, branchings of green,
I chose only the one wave,
the indivisible wave of your body.

All the waterdrops, all the roots,
all the threads of light gathered to me here;
they came to me sooner or later.

I wanted your hair, all for myself.
From all the graces my homeland offered
I chose only your savage heart.

Sonnet XLV (English translation):

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -
because - I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Sonnet XXXIX (English translation):

But I forgot that your hands fed the roots,
watering the tangled roses,
till your fingerprints bloomed
full, in a natural peace.

Like pets, your hoe and your sprinkling can
follow you around, biting and licking the earth.
That work is how you let this richness loose,
the carnations' fiery freshness.

I wish the love and dignity of bees for your hands,
mixing and spreading their transparent brood
in the earth: they cultivate even my heart,

so that I am like a scorched rock
that suddenly sings when you are near, because it drinks
the water you carry from the forest, in your voice.

Sonnet XXXIII (English translation):

Love, we're going home now,
where the vines clamber over the trellis:
even before you, the summer will arrive,
on its honeysuckle feet, in your bedroom.

Our nomadic kisses wandered over all the world:
Armenia, dollop of disinterred honey - :
Ceylon, green dove - : and the Yang-Tse with its old
old patience, dividing the day from the night.

And now, dearest, we return, across the crackling sea
like two blind birds to their wall,
to their nest in a distant spring:

because love cannot always fly without resting,
our lives return to the wall, to the rocks of the sea:
our kisses head back home where they belong.

Sonnet XXI (English translation):

If only love would spread its savor through me!
-not to go one moment more without spring!
What I sold into sorrow was only my hands,
dearest: now leave me with your kisses.

Shut out the months light with your fragrance;
close all the doors with your hair.
Only do not forget, if I wake up crying
it's only because in my dream I'm a lost child

hunting through the leaves of the night for your hands,
for your caresses like the wheat,
the flashing rapture of shadow and energy.

O my dearest, nothing but shadow there
where you walk with me through your dream:
you tell me when the light returns.

Sonnet XVI (English translation):

I love the handful of the earth that you are.
Because of its meadows, vast as a planet,
I have no other star. You are my replica
of the multiplying universe.

Your wide eyes are the only light I know
from extinguished constellations;
your skin throbs like the streak
of a meteor through rain.

Your hips were that much of the moon for me;
your deep mouth and its delights, that much sun;
your heart, fiery with its long red rays,

was that much ardent light, like honey in the shade.
So I pass across your burning form, kissing
you - compact and planetary, my dove, my globe.


He kills me! In a good way.

Meh

I feel like I never get to write for pleasure anymore.

Well, rather, I never make time to write for pleasure anymore.

I'm wrapping up my third year of college, and that feels almost absurd to me. I don't know when it was that I managed to grow up in such a profound way, but it happened. Much without my sanction, I might add. I kept a blog in high school, and in the beginning of college, but after I discovered facebook, I kind of lost interest for a while. However, to this day, I still have a livejournal. I don't use it for blogging (although maybe I should), but I do peruse communities and whatnot. I've had that account for over 5 years now. That feels insane.

Coming to grips with my increasing maturity has taken its toll on me. I feel like I'm losing my identity to school work and studies. Quite frankly, I'm never more burned out on gender studies than when I'm taking a class on it. Normally I'm all over it, but when someone asks me to incessantly read about it and then document my "feelings" and "experiences" on the subject I mostly just want to break things.

Such discussions often have to create themselves if they're going to be productive. There's nothing more frustrating than forcing a discussion on gender.
Same thing with other topics I normally enjoy, like European history. I am in three classes (THREE!) this semester alone that have dealt with Post WWI European history, and right now, if I hear "Stalinist", "geopolitical", "bourgeois", or "iron curtain" on more time, I'm going to scream. This is clearly hyperbole, because I've still got 2 more weeks of classes, and the thought that such subjects would not be discussed is idealistic if not laughable.

I really can't complain, though, because I really do like my classes. I just feel overwhelmed by them at the moment. I always feel like others are getting far more accomplished than I am, but at the same time I don't see where I could squeeze in anything else without going crazy. Maybe some people are of the opinion that they'll sleep when they're dead, but I personally love a good nap.

I also love having a meager allotment of time for socializing, and as anyone who has spent enough time around me can attest to, I NEED to have significant periods of alone time, pretty much on a daily basis. I'm not sure if there's any worse feeling than knowing that after a particularly stressful day I won't be able to retreat somewhere to unwind. It's almost frightening.

This summer should hopefully be productive in that I can spend a lot of time with my family, and get my metaphorical shit together for my "future". I really need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, and act accordingly, because my resume is woefully lacking.

Certainly, I have my student activity involvement / leadership positions, and I spent that spring in Thailand, but as far as professional internship-like things, I have nothing. And that's BAD. Because I'm 20 years old, and the field I want to go into is so competitive that it just simply won't do. I need to find some kind of worthwhile volunteer work this summer. Maybe I'll be a clinic escort at Planned Parenthood. Or I could always get on board with a political campaign (Hopefully the democratic party will have a resolution soon enough so that I can get crackin' on that. Because while I'm truthfully supporting Clinton, I'm not seeing her winning, so I'm more than willing to start working for Obama instead. What can I say, I can be pragmatic.)

I'm still planning on going to grad school right out of undergrad, but I need to nail down where. I've thought seriously about continuing at Webster (possibly with their newly-introduced Global Master's in International Human Rights - srsly), but my adviser pretty much told me that if I want to pursue a PhD, I should look elsewhere, and not only that, but it's incredibly expensive.

I don't know. It would be an awfully fun adventure. I suppose I have a little time yet to decide.

The Peace Corps would be nice. I'm less sold on the idea of the Foreign Service at this point, simply because I don't feel like I could actually be in a position to be a force for positive change. I'd be THE MAN. That's a scary thought. But still, it's appealing. Perhaps for later in my life after I've paid off my student loans and settled down a bit. Meh.

I suppose it helps to get these things written out, but I know I've written them a thousand times before.

-Alyssa