Meh

I feel like I never get to write for pleasure anymore.

Well, rather, I never make time to write for pleasure anymore.

I'm wrapping up my third year of college, and that feels almost absurd to me. I don't know when it was that I managed to grow up in such a profound way, but it happened. Much without my sanction, I might add. I kept a blog in high school, and in the beginning of college, but after I discovered facebook, I kind of lost interest for a while. However, to this day, I still have a livejournal. I don't use it for blogging (although maybe I should), but I do peruse communities and whatnot. I've had that account for over 5 years now. That feels insane.

Coming to grips with my increasing maturity has taken its toll on me. I feel like I'm losing my identity to school work and studies. Quite frankly, I'm never more burned out on gender studies than when I'm taking a class on it. Normally I'm all over it, but when someone asks me to incessantly read about it and then document my "feelings" and "experiences" on the subject I mostly just want to break things.

Such discussions often have to create themselves if they're going to be productive. There's nothing more frustrating than forcing a discussion on gender.
Same thing with other topics I normally enjoy, like European history. I am in three classes (THREE!) this semester alone that have dealt with Post WWI European history, and right now, if I hear "Stalinist", "geopolitical", "bourgeois", or "iron curtain" on more time, I'm going to scream. This is clearly hyperbole, because I've still got 2 more weeks of classes, and the thought that such subjects would not be discussed is idealistic if not laughable.

I really can't complain, though, because I really do like my classes. I just feel overwhelmed by them at the moment. I always feel like others are getting far more accomplished than I am, but at the same time I don't see where I could squeeze in anything else without going crazy. Maybe some people are of the opinion that they'll sleep when they're dead, but I personally love a good nap.

I also love having a meager allotment of time for socializing, and as anyone who has spent enough time around me can attest to, I NEED to have significant periods of alone time, pretty much on a daily basis. I'm not sure if there's any worse feeling than knowing that after a particularly stressful day I won't be able to retreat somewhere to unwind. It's almost frightening.

This summer should hopefully be productive in that I can spend a lot of time with my family, and get my metaphorical shit together for my "future". I really need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, and act accordingly, because my resume is woefully lacking.

Certainly, I have my student activity involvement / leadership positions, and I spent that spring in Thailand, but as far as professional internship-like things, I have nothing. And that's BAD. Because I'm 20 years old, and the field I want to go into is so competitive that it just simply won't do. I need to find some kind of worthwhile volunteer work this summer. Maybe I'll be a clinic escort at Planned Parenthood. Or I could always get on board with a political campaign (Hopefully the democratic party will have a resolution soon enough so that I can get crackin' on that. Because while I'm truthfully supporting Clinton, I'm not seeing her winning, so I'm more than willing to start working for Obama instead. What can I say, I can be pragmatic.)

I'm still planning on going to grad school right out of undergrad, but I need to nail down where. I've thought seriously about continuing at Webster (possibly with their newly-introduced Global Master's in International Human Rights - srsly), but my adviser pretty much told me that if I want to pursue a PhD, I should look elsewhere, and not only that, but it's incredibly expensive.

I don't know. It would be an awfully fun adventure. I suppose I have a little time yet to decide.

The Peace Corps would be nice. I'm less sold on the idea of the Foreign Service at this point, simply because I don't feel like I could actually be in a position to be a force for positive change. I'd be THE MAN. That's a scary thought. But still, it's appealing. Perhaps for later in my life after I've paid off my student loans and settled down a bit. Meh.

I suppose it helps to get these things written out, but I know I've written them a thousand times before.

-Alyssa