So I've come to a conclusion about society.
A woman's body in its natural state is at best, devalued, and at worst, an abhorrence.
Certainly within certain circles, women are allowed to go au naturale without any kind of social sanction, but I'm referring to the beauty standards of mainstream American culture. There's no such thing as too skinny or too rich, right?
I guess I'm just exasperated. I'm angry and I'm confused. WHY is it a problem if I don't shave my legs?! I AM A WARM-BLOODED MAMMAL. Ergo: Hair. Everywhere. Almost everyone has it, whether they like it or not.
If I have hair on my head, I'm supposed to endlessly clean, condition, style, fortify, moisturize, blow-dry, straighten, curl, or otherwise manipulate it into what society deems as attractive to fit in. But the point I'm getting at is this: why is hair to be cherished on one's head, and to be detested on one's body?
Where is this ambiguous line drawn? Why is it just fine for a woman to have hair on her arms, but not in her armpits or on her legs (or vulva, for that matter)?
I've heard the cleanliness argument, but just because Schick and Gillette want to spread paranoia and lies about the natural state of women's bodies doesn't mean any of it is true. I don't shave my armpits, and while I wear deodorant on a regular basis, I don't smell. TRUFAX, people. Hair is not dirty. I will never understand such an argument. If anything it's your skin that's the dirty part, but I digress.
I go back and forth on shaving my legs, and most of the time I can't be bothered (because I find it stupid and a pointless waste of time, money and effort). When I do shave, it's because I just had the urge, and did some on a whim. Or it's because it's damn hot and I wanted to wear a skirt without being ridiculed. Some days it's not worth the harassment. I don't dislike shaved legs - the feeling or the aesthetic. I'm just not disgusted by hair. So I let it grow. I suppose I avoid most social sanctions for my hairiness because I am relatively fair-skinned, have light-colored hair on my legs, and am unable to grow anything more than what can best be described as sparse hair in my armpits. I am always sorely disappointed that I will most likely never be able to grow some impressive underarm bush. Disgusted? WHY?! You're the weird one, not me. I was born this way. That's life, and that's biology. Think I'm gross? Take it up with who/whatever made me. And you. And everyone else.
Furthermore, what is up with grown women removing their pubes?! I really don't get that. I get trimming, sometimes it's more comfortable, I totally understand. BUT. Literally waxing your asscrack is just...buh?! That skin is sensitive! Jesus. I don't want to look like a prepubescent child, thankyouverymuch. I think people who find that attractive should probably confront their inner pedophile or seriously reconsider what they think is "hot".
Hair aside, women's bodies are just not good enough as is. There's always some new trend to tell us that we're too fat, too thin, too ugly, too plain, or just worthless without a new kind of plastic surgery or beauty product. Dare to be the woman who goes without makeup, and you'll be the first one called on for a trip to "What Not to Wear". Clinton and Kelly will tell you how to be a beautiful (though artificial) drone like everyone else. No lie, that show is a guilty pleasure of mine, and I enjoy fashion (to a degree), but not an episode goes by where they don't tell someone that if they smack a bit of foundation and lipstick on, they'll automatically be more valued by society.
It's fucked up!
While I have bought into the beauty myth to certain degree (I wear makeup almost daily and make sure my hair is up to scratch before going out), I can't help but wonder how the world would be different if we would just stop feeling not good enough.
If I were to maintain a reasonable level of hygiene, but reject my beautification rituals, I would automatically take a step down in the world. If a man were to do the same, it wouldn't matter.
I can wake up in the morning, with my hair in disarray and no makeup on my squinty eyes, and still feel beautiful. But it seems like not many other people feel that way, and I'm human just like everyone else, so I tow the line. I plug in my hair dryer and get out the mascara and eyeliner. It's just life.
But it's startling how upset, disgusted, and even angry, some people get when women DON'T go along with the great American myth of female beauty.
I've lately discovered that I love my body. I also know that while I may not get called it, most people would consider me fat. The two things are not mutually exclusive. I have stretch marks and cellulite just like most other women, but I don't care. I have a fat ass and thunder thighs. This used to bother me, but I've gotten past it. There's no point in wishing for a new body. This is the only one I have. So I ought to give it the love and respect it deserves. After all, I would be nothing without it. I'm not going to apologize for said ass and thighs. Not even for the pudge around my midsection.
When I expressed apprehension about nudity at one point in my life, a friend told me to "fake it til you make it". So I acted like hot shit. Guess what? I believe it now. I'm hot shit. I have a fat ass. Oh, and I have hairy legs. Has your head exploded yet?
I think women are some of the most amazing beings on this earth. It's a shame we have to tell them they're not good enough just as they are for simply existing in their natural state.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Just one more!
So.
Germany won today.
YAY!
3-2, against Turkey, a very worthy adversary. I won't say a single negative thing about the Turks. They played wonderfully, surely indicative of the way they have been playing this entire tournament. I'm only sorry that I ended up having to root against them (I've explained before...my support of Germany is undying). Certainly the referee could have been better (I'm thinking of a blatant foul in the penalty area that should have resulted in a pk for Germany), but overall it was a good game. Thrilling to watch - very nerve-wracking. As much as I like an exciting game of football, I was a mess thinking my beloved Deutsche Nationalmannschaft would fall victim to the miraculous Turkish comeback kings. Not so.
I truly believe that Germany earned their win. It probably should have been easier against Turkey's 2nd string, but honestly. They were beasts on that pitch. Such fight I have never seen. Aaahhh. I love football.
Some fleeting analysis:
WHY would Joachim Löw start Rolfes and Hitzlsperger instead of Frings?! I'm sorry, I know that the formation worked against Portugal, but if Frings is fit, you put him on. Period. The man is a friggin' beefhouse (a made up word that I love, bitch). That, and he and Ballack hold the midfield together like nobody's business. Werd. Anyhow, Rolfes got whacked in the cranium (see pictures below) right before half time, so Frings went on in the beginning of the 2nd half, as it should have been from the beginning. Anyhow. Hopefully he'll learn from that experiment and will start Frings in the final.
Ballack was quieter than I would've liked to see. But Turkey plays chaos football, so maybe he was just confused. Schweinsteiger is turning out to be SUCH an asset to the team. I look forward to watching him in the coming years. Podolski, too. Klose could do better, methinks. As could Lehmann (and HOW). Lahm is fantastic. The "magical dwarf", indeed. When he gets his eye on goal, you better watch out.
Next stop, Vienna, for the final against either Russia or Spain. I'm so excited! I don't want to jinx it, but I think Germany's going to go all the way! They need to up their game, and be more concentrated than today, as it was a very narrow victory (Lahm's goal in the 90th minute...wow). I suppose, however, that it was only fitting that Turkey would go out with a last-minute goal as they did to foe after foe.
Anywho. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the match:
The cranial collision. OUCH.
That's pretty gnarly.
FUCK! Look at all that blood! By the way, they put stitches and shots of anesthetic in his head on the sidelines and sent him back on for the last bit of the 1st half.
The wounded Turkish player. In case you can't tell what's going on here, they are STAPLING his gaping head wound shut on the sideline before sending him back on for the rest of the game. People who say soccer is for sissies have clearly never watched a single game. Goddamn.
Lahm's last-gasp winner! Amazing.
Look at 'em go.
Our dear coach, Jogi, yelling what I hope was "TOOOOOOORRRRRRRR! JAAAAAA!" or similar.
Germany won today.
YAY!
3-2, against Turkey, a very worthy adversary. I won't say a single negative thing about the Turks. They played wonderfully, surely indicative of the way they have been playing this entire tournament. I'm only sorry that I ended up having to root against them (I've explained before...my support of Germany is undying). Certainly the referee could have been better (I'm thinking of a blatant foul in the penalty area that should have resulted in a pk for Germany), but overall it was a good game. Thrilling to watch - very nerve-wracking. As much as I like an exciting game of football, I was a mess thinking my beloved Deutsche Nationalmannschaft would fall victim to the miraculous Turkish comeback kings. Not so.
I truly believe that Germany earned their win. It probably should have been easier against Turkey's 2nd string, but honestly. They were beasts on that pitch. Such fight I have never seen. Aaahhh. I love football.
Some fleeting analysis:
WHY would Joachim Löw start Rolfes and Hitzlsperger instead of Frings?! I'm sorry, I know that the formation worked against Portugal, but if Frings is fit, you put him on. Period. The man is a friggin' beefhouse (a made up word that I love, bitch). That, and he and Ballack hold the midfield together like nobody's business. Werd. Anyhow, Rolfes got whacked in the cranium (see pictures below) right before half time, so Frings went on in the beginning of the 2nd half, as it should have been from the beginning. Anyhow. Hopefully he'll learn from that experiment and will start Frings in the final.
Ballack was quieter than I would've liked to see. But Turkey plays chaos football, so maybe he was just confused. Schweinsteiger is turning out to be SUCH an asset to the team. I look forward to watching him in the coming years. Podolski, too. Klose could do better, methinks. As could Lehmann (and HOW). Lahm is fantastic. The "magical dwarf", indeed. When he gets his eye on goal, you better watch out.
Next stop, Vienna, for the final against either Russia or Spain. I'm so excited! I don't want to jinx it, but I think Germany's going to go all the way! They need to up their game, and be more concentrated than today, as it was a very narrow victory (Lahm's goal in the 90th minute...wow). I suppose, however, that it was only fitting that Turkey would go out with a last-minute goal as they did to foe after foe.
Anywho. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the match:
Captain Michael Ballack
The cranial collision. OUCH.
That's pretty gnarly.
FUCK! Look at all that blood! By the way, they put stitches and shots of anesthetic in his head on the sidelines and sent him back on for the last bit of the 1st half. 
The wounded Turkish player. In case you can't tell what's going on here, they are STAPLING his gaping head wound shut on the sideline before sending him back on for the rest of the game. People who say soccer is for sissies have clearly never watched a single game. Goddamn.
Lahm's last-gasp winner! Amazing.
Look at 'em go.
Our dear coach, Jogi, yelling what I hope was "TOOOOOOORRRRRRRR! JAAAAAA!" or similar. 
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Cristiano Ronaldo
CAN SUCK IT!
What a match! German 3, Portugal 2.
(I have problems. But omg omg omg Deutschland! They didn't suck! I was so proud!)
What a match! German 3, Portugal 2.
(I have problems. But omg omg omg Deutschland! They didn't suck! I was so proud!)
Monday, June 16, 2008
My ardent love for football (the REAL kind)
If you guessed that I meant the football where you actually use your feet, you would be correct! Oh, how I adore it. My love for football is probably only rivaled by love for skirts with pockets and Freddie Mercury. Srsly.
I, like many American children, began my obsession very early in life, joining my first team when I was about 5 years old. I know everyone says this, but I was frickin' fantastic. I played defense, and I was ALL ABOUT IT. The high point of my footballing career, as it were, was when my team played our league rivals (the Ponies, I believe - we were the Tinkerbelles - I shit you not) at the half-time of a Dallas Sidekicks game in Reunion Arena in Dallas. I remember exactly how HUUUGE the arena felt when I was 8 years old. It was insane. We lost, but it was awesome.
I quit the team when I was about 11 or 12 because my coach was a huge asshole and my parents couldn't afford to put me in a select team (which was basically the only league for girls my age and older). Sadness, but then, you know, band. Ugh. Whatever.
My love simmered from then on. It was truly rekindled two summers ago when I became RIVETED to the World Cup in Germany. It all started when I happened upon the opening game between Germany and Costa Rica. What a beautiful game. 4-2, as I recall. Philip Lahm scored the opening goal, and Torsten Frings has an absolutely stunning 40-yard goal that completely floored me, a football novice. I was so impressed with Germany, that I became a raving lunatic Germany supporter. Football does crazy things to a person's psyche. It sucks you in, and you get passionately invested in one side that you previously had no knowledge of. It's madness. But I love it.
Needless to say, I was devastated when those damn Italians sent Germany out in the semi-finals. I'm still bitter. Not ashamed to admit it, either. But Germany did everyone proud. It was a fantastic effort for a side that had previously been dismissed.
Since then, my love has grown. I've been following club football as well, primarily in the Bundesliga in Germany, and somewhat in the Premiere League in England. My favorite team in the Bundesliga is Werder Bremen. They play exciting, attacking, high-scoring football. I've never watched a game of theirs that I didn't thoroughly enjoy (well, except the ones they lose).
Euro 2008 has been a high point of my summer thus far. This week alone has been amazing. The Turkey vs. Czech Republic game?! Ohmygod. So fantastic. Such a thing I have never witnessed. I love the drama. I love the intensity.
Naturally, I am still completely behind Germany. My love for that team will never die. When Michael Ballack freakin' annihilated the Austrians today with an amazing free kick, I screamed. I won't lie. I don't know why. But I did. That's sports, I guess.
I want them to go all the way. I want them to be the European champions. I think they're capable. But they've got to step up their game against Portugal. They've been somewhat unconvincing thus far, barely securing victories against teams that should be easily defeated. Hopefully they got losing out of their system with their defeat at the hands of Croatia. I think that showed them that they have weaknesses they have to address. Mario Gomez needs to GO. I'm sorry, I don't care how well he plays for Stuttgart, the shot he missed today was inexcusable. He's had his chance, and he blew it. Put Podolski in the front. UGH. At least Podolski has shown that he can more than perform under the pressure of international football.
AAAHHHH I can't wait til Thursday! But in the meantime there's France vs. Italy tomorrow, which should be a dramafest of unparalleled proportions (well, the World Cup final would probably outdo this meeting, but whatevs). I am supporting France, naturally. Remember, I still hate the Italians! Any humiliation they suffer is retribution for 2006. Which is why I so enjoyed the Dutch thumping they received (I will support Holland 100% if Germany makes an early exit, simply because, wow, they've really been fantastic thus far).
Anyway. FOOTBALL. YES. LOVES IT.
I have no idea why I got so obsessed, but once it gets you...you're hooked for life. Never underestimate the power of football.
I, like many American children, began my obsession very early in life, joining my first team when I was about 5 years old. I know everyone says this, but I was frickin' fantastic. I played defense, and I was ALL ABOUT IT. The high point of my footballing career, as it were, was when my team played our league rivals (the Ponies, I believe - we were the Tinkerbelles - I shit you not) at the half-time of a Dallas Sidekicks game in Reunion Arena in Dallas. I remember exactly how HUUUGE the arena felt when I was 8 years old. It was insane. We lost, but it was awesome.
I quit the team when I was about 11 or 12 because my coach was a huge asshole and my parents couldn't afford to put me in a select team (which was basically the only league for girls my age and older). Sadness, but then, you know, band. Ugh. Whatever.
My love simmered from then on. It was truly rekindled two summers ago when I became RIVETED to the World Cup in Germany. It all started when I happened upon the opening game between Germany and Costa Rica. What a beautiful game. 4-2, as I recall. Philip Lahm scored the opening goal, and Torsten Frings has an absolutely stunning 40-yard goal that completely floored me, a football novice. I was so impressed with Germany, that I became a raving lunatic Germany supporter. Football does crazy things to a person's psyche. It sucks you in, and you get passionately invested in one side that you previously had no knowledge of. It's madness. But I love it.
Needless to say, I was devastated when those damn Italians sent Germany out in the semi-finals. I'm still bitter. Not ashamed to admit it, either. But Germany did everyone proud. It was a fantastic effort for a side that had previously been dismissed.
Since then, my love has grown. I've been following club football as well, primarily in the Bundesliga in Germany, and somewhat in the Premiere League in England. My favorite team in the Bundesliga is Werder Bremen. They play exciting, attacking, high-scoring football. I've never watched a game of theirs that I didn't thoroughly enjoy (well, except the ones they lose).
Euro 2008 has been a high point of my summer thus far. This week alone has been amazing. The Turkey vs. Czech Republic game?! Ohmygod. So fantastic. Such a thing I have never witnessed. I love the drama. I love the intensity.
Naturally, I am still completely behind Germany. My love for that team will never die. When Michael Ballack freakin' annihilated the Austrians today with an amazing free kick, I screamed. I won't lie. I don't know why. But I did. That's sports, I guess.
I want them to go all the way. I want them to be the European champions. I think they're capable. But they've got to step up their game against Portugal. They've been somewhat unconvincing thus far, barely securing victories against teams that should be easily defeated. Hopefully they got losing out of their system with their defeat at the hands of Croatia. I think that showed them that they have weaknesses they have to address. Mario Gomez needs to GO. I'm sorry, I don't care how well he plays for Stuttgart, the shot he missed today was inexcusable. He's had his chance, and he blew it. Put Podolski in the front. UGH. At least Podolski has shown that he can more than perform under the pressure of international football.
AAAHHHH I can't wait til Thursday! But in the meantime there's France vs. Italy tomorrow, which should be a dramafest of unparalleled proportions (well, the World Cup final would probably outdo this meeting, but whatevs). I am supporting France, naturally. Remember, I still hate the Italians! Any humiliation they suffer is retribution for 2006. Which is why I so enjoyed the Dutch thumping they received (I will support Holland 100% if Germany makes an early exit, simply because, wow, they've really been fantastic thus far).
Anyway. FOOTBALL. YES. LOVES IT.
I have no idea why I got so obsessed, but once it gets you...you're hooked for life. Never underestimate the power of football.
Captain Michael Ballack after their defeat in 2006 in the Semi-finals. I think I cried with him - laaaame, I know. :'(
Captain Michael Ballack, Torsten Frings, and Oliver Neuville during the World Cup. Three of Germany's finest footballers. Goddamn.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day?
Cliche post ahead.
I'm going to take this opportunity to gush about my parents and how awesome they are. Since it is Father's Day, I'll talk about my Dad first.
My Dad is a ridiculous man. In a good way. Certainly we've had our problems and differences over the years, but he has always supported me and been there when I needed him. Without all of his help and support, I would not be anywhere near where I am today. And without his ridiculous colloquialisms and mannerisms, I don't imagine my warped sense of humor would be so intact. There are Hammons family songs. Stupid ones, about a little chick (who couldn't lay an egg), about a dead skunk (in the middle of the road), and about being drop-kicked by Jesus (through the goal-posts of life). All of these are thanks to my Dad.
Anyway. I really respect him, because now, while he's supposed to be kicking back and enjoying himself, he's taking care of my stepsisters. It's amazing.
And also, my dumb ass locks myself out of my car in the middle of the night, and he drives my aforementioned dumb ass all around town to get my spare and retrieve said car from a Waffle House parking lot (mmmm Wizzy Hizzy). Whenever I call him with a problem, he is ON IT. My sister and I talked about this last night...it's quite something. From the words "I need help" he is just like, ON TARGET, WE ARE FIGURING OUT THIS PROBLEM, DON'T STRESS.
My Mom on the other hand would probably be like, "ALYSSA! WHYYYYY?!" first, and then she'd start thinking about how to fix the problem. :)
Mom is a worry-wart, but it's ok. She's also totally awesome and really lenient and generous and easier on me than I ever deserved. I'm such a shit! But she always helps me out and supports me.
I can't imagine having unsupportive parents. They have fought tooth and nail for me since day one. They pissed me off a bit growing up, but I understand now why they did some of the things they did. They gave me enough freedom to prove that I was trustworthy. When they realized I didn't need supervision, they gave me guidance.
Aaaaahhhh, parents. Love 'em! Now stay up out my biznass! Haha. I'm only kind of kidding.
I'm going to take this opportunity to gush about my parents and how awesome they are. Since it is Father's Day, I'll talk about my Dad first.
My Dad is a ridiculous man. In a good way. Certainly we've had our problems and differences over the years, but he has always supported me and been there when I needed him. Without all of his help and support, I would not be anywhere near where I am today. And without his ridiculous colloquialisms and mannerisms, I don't imagine my warped sense of humor would be so intact. There are Hammons family songs. Stupid ones, about a little chick (who couldn't lay an egg), about a dead skunk (in the middle of the road), and about being drop-kicked by Jesus (through the goal-posts of life). All of these are thanks to my Dad.
Anyway. I really respect him, because now, while he's supposed to be kicking back and enjoying himself, he's taking care of my stepsisters. It's amazing.
And also, my dumb ass locks myself out of my car in the middle of the night, and he drives my aforementioned dumb ass all around town to get my spare and retrieve said car from a Waffle House parking lot (mmmm Wizzy Hizzy). Whenever I call him with a problem, he is ON IT. My sister and I talked about this last night...it's quite something. From the words "I need help" he is just like, ON TARGET, WE ARE FIGURING OUT THIS PROBLEM, DON'T STRESS.
My Mom on the other hand would probably be like, "ALYSSA! WHYYYYY?!" first, and then she'd start thinking about how to fix the problem. :)
Mom is a worry-wart, but it's ok. She's also totally awesome and really lenient and generous and easier on me than I ever deserved. I'm such a shit! But she always helps me out and supports me.
I can't imagine having unsupportive parents. They have fought tooth and nail for me since day one. They pissed me off a bit growing up, but I understand now why they did some of the things they did. They gave me enough freedom to prove that I was trustworthy. When they realized I didn't need supervision, they gave me guidance.
Aaaaahhhh, parents. Love 'em! Now stay up out my biznass! Haha. I'm only kind of kidding.
ARETHA!
I have rekindled my love for Ms. Franklin. Oh. Have I ever.
"I Never Loved a Man" is a perfect song. PERFECT. "Natural Woman" is equally perfect.
Anywho. I've been feeling incredibly withdrawn lately. I just want to be left alone. Sorry if I've been checked out and distant. I just don't feel like being around most people.
I've got car problems coming out of my ears. The inspection is like, 9 months past due, and I feel like an idiot. If I get pulled over...ugh. So screwed. It'll pass, I'm just poor (and easily distracted).
I am BROKE AS A JOKE. Not a funny one, either.
I am finally making connections in my life in regard to my dichotomous existence. I am trying to make all of my idiosyncrasies work with each other.
I feel better. Which is good. I just feel kind of disjointed, though. Scattered. Confused.
The more I think about things, the less sense they make. Frustration.
"I Never Loved a Man" is a perfect song. PERFECT. "Natural Woman" is equally perfect.
Anywho. I've been feeling incredibly withdrawn lately. I just want to be left alone. Sorry if I've been checked out and distant. I just don't feel like being around most people.
I've got car problems coming out of my ears. The inspection is like, 9 months past due, and I feel like an idiot. If I get pulled over...ugh. So screwed. It'll pass, I'm just poor (and easily distracted).
I am BROKE AS A JOKE. Not a funny one, either.
I am finally making connections in my life in regard to my dichotomous existence. I am trying to make all of my idiosyncrasies work with each other.
I feel better. Which is good. I just feel kind of disjointed, though. Scattered. Confused.
The more I think about things, the less sense they make. Frustration.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
...?
Jimmie Hammons passed away this morning at 12:30. She was 86 years old.
I have a funeral to go to this Friday in Waco.
That's that, I guess. I just hope they don't posthumously transform her into a god-fearing southern baptist. That happened to my grandpa. I think that's a bunch of nonsense. Dishonest and disrespectful to the memory of the deceased.
Death is so ridiculous and over-ritualized.
I can't think of anything else to say.
I have a funeral to go to this Friday in Waco.
That's that, I guess. I just hope they don't posthumously transform her into a god-fearing southern baptist. That happened to my grandpa. I think that's a bunch of nonsense. Dishonest and disrespectful to the memory of the deceased.
Death is so ridiculous and over-ritualized.
I can't think of anything else to say.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Wherein I lose it.
I don't even know where to begin.
My Nana is dying. I'm expecting a call tomorrow to tell me she's passed away. Apparently she's down to 80 pounds and doesn't remember anyone. The last time I saw her was Christmas. She was in bad shape. All I did was hold her hand and talk to her.
I'm having a really difficult time processing these events. On the one hand, this is terribly sad, and I'm upset. On the other, to me at least, she died a long time ago. She hasn't been herself in years. For the past 3, she's been confined to a bed in a nursing home, miserable.
She still has brown hair well into her 80's, naturally. Hmm.
My Nana is a strong lady. I wish I could have gotten to know her. I feel like I never got to know any of my grandparents. They were lovely people, but I didn't know anything about them. I didn't connect with them. I feel like their lives, their stories, their memories, just disappeared when they did. It's such a shame, too, I'm sure they had stories to tell.
Basically, I'm just having a hard time feeling anything about it all. She's been gone for a long time. This is just the end.
And now I'm really starting to question everything about my life. I've just been so depressed that I don't even want to get up in the morning. I haven't been helping around the house, I don't have a job, and I'm being such a shit to my mom. I can't believe myself. This is not who I am. So I have to start getting my shit together. Here's what I need to do:
*CLEAN. Everything.
*Organize.
*Help with chores.
*Find some supplemental income.
*Find a volunteer position.
I'm back in counseling and I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I debated blogging about it, but I think we need to work on mental illness acceptance. So there it is. I've struggled with it for a loooong time, but I feel like now I might be able to really make some positive long-term changes. I'd never seen a psychiatrist before this, so maybe that will help.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I'm not entirely sure what this means, but as far as I can tell, it basically just means that my mood swings are less frequent, and that my depressive states last longer and are more severe than my manic states. It is frequently undiagnosed because manic states are deemed as being "high-functioning", and therefore only the depression is treated.
I was shocked when I received this diagnosis. My sister is Bipolar as well (but Bipolar I). I grew up watching her struggle with it, and I never suspected I suffered from something similar.
I would definitely agree that I have mood swings. I can feel totally fine for a month, and then spend three in a deep depression. Apparently, Thailand was just one really long manic state. I loved it, but I don't know. I was probably behaving recklessly.
I'm on some new medication, but it costs about $200 for a month. I can't stay on it, it's too expensive. This would lead into a rant about our bullshit healthcare system, but that's for another time. Suffice it to say that even with good insurance, I'm still paying A LOT out of pocket for all of this. I can honestly say that without my mom's help, I wouldn't be able to pursue treatment.
Anyway, the counselor seems to be a lot more competent than ones I've seen in the past. More structured. I feel like I'm going to get stuff worked out, rather than just talk about nonsense for an hour and feel more confused than before.
I just want to be happy. Or at least satisfied. I want to be able to start my senior with a fresh perspective and enough drive and positivity to do well and cope with my schedule.
I can't say for sure if this is rock bottom, but it feels like it. But I know I can climb back up.
(Wow, this turned into a long entry.)
My Nana is dying. I'm expecting a call tomorrow to tell me she's passed away. Apparently she's down to 80 pounds and doesn't remember anyone. The last time I saw her was Christmas. She was in bad shape. All I did was hold her hand and talk to her.
I'm having a really difficult time processing these events. On the one hand, this is terribly sad, and I'm upset. On the other, to me at least, she died a long time ago. She hasn't been herself in years. For the past 3, she's been confined to a bed in a nursing home, miserable.
She still has brown hair well into her 80's, naturally. Hmm.
My Nana is a strong lady. I wish I could have gotten to know her. I feel like I never got to know any of my grandparents. They were lovely people, but I didn't know anything about them. I didn't connect with them. I feel like their lives, their stories, their memories, just disappeared when they did. It's such a shame, too, I'm sure they had stories to tell.
Basically, I'm just having a hard time feeling anything about it all. She's been gone for a long time. This is just the end.
And now I'm really starting to question everything about my life. I've just been so depressed that I don't even want to get up in the morning. I haven't been helping around the house, I don't have a job, and I'm being such a shit to my mom. I can't believe myself. This is not who I am. So I have to start getting my shit together. Here's what I need to do:
*CLEAN. Everything.
*Organize.
*Help with chores.
*Find some supplemental income.
*Find a volunteer position.
I'm back in counseling and I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I debated blogging about it, but I think we need to work on mental illness acceptance. So there it is. I've struggled with it for a loooong time, but I feel like now I might be able to really make some positive long-term changes. I'd never seen a psychiatrist before this, so maybe that will help.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I'm not entirely sure what this means, but as far as I can tell, it basically just means that my mood swings are less frequent, and that my depressive states last longer and are more severe than my manic states. It is frequently undiagnosed because manic states are deemed as being "high-functioning", and therefore only the depression is treated.
I was shocked when I received this diagnosis. My sister is Bipolar as well (but Bipolar I). I grew up watching her struggle with it, and I never suspected I suffered from something similar.
I would definitely agree that I have mood swings. I can feel totally fine for a month, and then spend three in a deep depression. Apparently, Thailand was just one really long manic state. I loved it, but I don't know. I was probably behaving recklessly.
I'm on some new medication, but it costs about $200 for a month. I can't stay on it, it's too expensive. This would lead into a rant about our bullshit healthcare system, but that's for another time. Suffice it to say that even with good insurance, I'm still paying A LOT out of pocket for all of this. I can honestly say that without my mom's help, I wouldn't be able to pursue treatment.
Anyway, the counselor seems to be a lot more competent than ones I've seen in the past. More structured. I feel like I'm going to get stuff worked out, rather than just talk about nonsense for an hour and feel more confused than before.
I just want to be happy. Or at least satisfied. I want to be able to start my senior with a fresh perspective and enough drive and positivity to do well and cope with my schedule.
I can't say for sure if this is rock bottom, but it feels like it. But I know I can climb back up.
(Wow, this turned into a long entry.)
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