Stuck in the middle

So, I have a love/hate relationship with gender and sexuality theory.

I love studying it, because it's almost always fascinating and enlightening. But it's also incredibly frustrating. Because you can study it, and realize the inadequacies that are inherent in the system, but have absolutely no power to change any of it.

So really, you're just as confused as before, if not more so.

Right now I'm taking a really great class called "Bisexualities" with Andrea Miller. It's a social science course, and with just the first assigned reading, I was already loving it.

I feel like drawing a giant lightbulb on the cover of our book.

Partly because it's really interesting stuff, but mostly because it's helped me make more sense of my own sexuality.

I have, for a long time, struggled with labeling myself. I really really really hate the term bisexual. I feel it reinforces the gender and sexuality binary that I wholly reject. I feel it also implies an equal attraction to only two distinct genders. Which is patently false in the case of most bisexuals.

But in any case, my sexuality is nuanced, and for a long time I have been loathe to define it. Partly because I didn't know what to call myself, but mostly because it's waaaay more comfortable to be straight.

If I were to come out as "bi", people would automatically assume that:
1) I'm just a slut.
2) I'm really just gay.
3) I need two partners to be satisfied.
4) I'm socially deviant.

It's maddening.

But anyhow, to clarify my sexuality -

...I can't. That's what I've come to realize. I truly believe that gender, sexuality, belief systems, and values can and often do change (perhaps radically) throughout a person's life. I know for a fact that I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I know when I was in Thailand I was going through a very difficult "identity crisis" - mostly in regard to my sexuality.

I don't even know if I believe in identity as a rigid concept. What is identity, anyway? The only time I apply identity to is the present. Right now, I'm way more into men than women. Generally speaking, that's the case. But really, that's not an accurate description at all. I am into certain human characteristics (sexually/romantically/whatever you want to call it). These certain characteristics are independent of genitalia or public presentation of gender. So this means that at any given time, I could be sexually attracted to any given person, of any gender, given they have certain characteristics that I find attractive. Does that make sense?


In case it wasn't already obvious, I definitely believe that we as human beings are far more influenced by nurture than nature. Certainly nature has its place, but nurture really guides behavior and feelings.

I don't think anyone is born gay. I don't think anyone is born bisexual. I don't think anyone is born straight.

But most importantly, I don't think it matters WHY "deviations" occur. As if "choosing" ones sexuality is a bad thing. It isn't. I choose to be straight most of the time. For many personal reasons. I'm happy with that. That doesn't mean that I can't also choose to be a part-time lesbian. Such changes occur in life. Just because someone is ridiculously "gay" at age 50 doesn't mean that the serious relationship with a woman at age 20 wasn't real. It just means that attractions have changed, as do so many other things with age.

We're way too fixated on labels. Even labels like "pansexual" are problematic, but I suppose they're a step in the right direction. I guess I'm just me. Whatever that is. I'm ok with not having a fixed identity. Such things don't exist.