Wherein I lose it.

I don't even know where to begin.

My Nana is dying. I'm expecting a call tomorrow to tell me she's passed away. Apparently she's down to 80 pounds and doesn't remember anyone. The last time I saw her was Christmas. She was in bad shape. All I did was hold her hand and talk to her.

I'm having a really difficult time processing these events. On the one hand, this is terribly sad, and I'm upset. On the other, to me at least, she died a long time ago. She hasn't been herself in years. For the past 3, she's been confined to a bed in a nursing home, miserable.

She still has brown hair well into her 80's, naturally. Hmm.

My Nana is a strong lady. I wish I could have gotten to know her. I feel like I never got to know any of my grandparents. They were lovely people, but I didn't know anything about them. I didn't connect with them. I feel like their lives, their stories, their memories, just disappeared when they did. It's such a shame, too, I'm sure they had stories to tell.

Basically, I'm just having a hard time feeling anything about it all. She's been gone for a long time. This is just the end.


And now I'm really starting to question everything about my life. I've just been so depressed that I don't even want to get up in the morning. I haven't been helping around the house, I don't have a job, and I'm being such a shit to my mom. I can't believe myself. This is not who I am. So I have to start getting my shit together. Here's what I need to do:

*CLEAN. Everything.
*Organize.
*Help with chores.
*Find some supplemental income.
*Find a volunteer position.



I'm back in counseling and I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I debated blogging about it, but I think we need to work on mental illness acceptance. So there it is. I've struggled with it for a loooong time, but I feel like now I might be able to really make some positive long-term changes. I'd never seen a psychiatrist before this, so maybe that will help.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I'm not entirely sure what this means, but as far as I can tell, it basically just means that my mood swings are less frequent, and that my depressive states last longer and are more severe than my manic states. It is frequently undiagnosed because manic states are deemed as being "high-functioning", and therefore only the depression is treated.

I was shocked when I received this diagnosis. My sister is Bipolar as well (but Bipolar I). I grew up watching her struggle with it, and I never suspected I suffered from something similar.

I would definitely agree that I have mood swings. I can feel totally fine for a month, and then spend three in a deep depression. Apparently, Thailand was just one really long manic state. I loved it, but I don't know. I was probably behaving recklessly.

I'm on some new medication, but it costs about $200 for a month. I can't stay on it, it's too expensive. This would lead into a rant about our bullshit healthcare system, but that's for another time. Suffice it to say that even with good insurance, I'm still paying A LOT out of pocket for all of this. I can honestly say that without my mom's help, I wouldn't be able to pursue treatment.


Anyway, the counselor seems to be a lot more competent than ones I've seen in the past. More structured. I feel like I'm going to get stuff worked out, rather than just talk about nonsense for an hour and feel more confused than before.

I just want to be happy. Or at least satisfied. I want to be able to start my senior with a fresh perspective and enough drive and positivity to do well and cope with my schedule.


I can't say for sure if this is rock bottom, but it feels like it. But I know I can climb back up.

(Wow, this turned into a long entry.)